Only why should it be with pain at all,
Why must I ′twixt the leaves of coronal
Put any kiss of pardon on thy brow?
Why should the other women know so much,
And talk together:--Such the look and such
The smile he used to love with, then as now.
_Any Wife to any Husband_.
SCENE.-_A Naini Tal dinner for thirty-four. Plate, wines, crockery, and khitmatgars carefully calculated to scale of Rs. 6000 per mensem, less Exchange. Table split lengthways by bank of flowers._
MRS. HERRIOTT. (_After conversation has risen to proper pitch._) Ah! ′Didn′t see you in the crush in the drawing-room. (_Sotto voce._) Where _have_ you been all this while, Pip?
CAPTAIN GADSBY. (_Turning from regularly ordained dinner partner and settling hock glasses._) Good evening. (_Sotto voce._) Not quite so loud another time. You′ve no notion how your voice carries. (_Aside._) So much for shirking the written explanation. It′ll have to be a verbal one now. Sweet prospect! How on earth am I to tell her that I am a respectable, engaged member of society and it′s all over between us?
MRS. H. I′ve a heavy score against you. Where were you at the Monday Pop? Where were you on Tuesday? Where were you at the Lamonts′ tennis? I was looking everywhere.
CAPT. G. For me! Oh, I was alive somewhere, I suppose. (_Aside_.) It′s for Minnie′s sake, but it′s going to be dashed unpleasant.
MRS. H. Have I done anything to offend you? I never meant it if I have. I couldn′t help going for a ride with the Vaynor man. It was promised a week before you came up.
CAPT. G. I didn′t know--
MRS. H. It really _was_.
CAPT. G. Anything about it, I mean.
MRS. H. What has upset you to-day? All these days? You haven′t been near me for four whole days--nearly one hundred hours. Was it _kind_ of you, Pip? And I′ve been looking forward so much to your coming.
CAPT. G. Have you?
MRS. H. You _know_ I have! I′ve been as foolish as a schoolgirl about it. I made a little calendar and put it in my card-case, and every time the twelve o′clock gun went off I scratched out a square and said: ′That brings me nearer to Pip. _My_ Pip!′
CAPT. G. (_With an uneasy laugh_.) What will Mackler think if you neglect him so?
MRS. H. And it hasn′t brought you nearer. You seem farther away than ever. Are you sulking about something? I know your temper.
CAPT. G. No.
MRS. H. Have I grown old in the last few months, then? (_Reaches forward to bank of flowers for menu-card_.)
MRS. H. (_To partner_.) Oh, thanks. I didn′t see.
MRS. H. _Keeps her arm at full stretch for three seconds_.
PARTNER ON LEFT. Allow me. (_Hands menu-card_.) (_Turns right again_.) Is anything in me changed at all?
CAPT. G. For Goodness′ sake go on with your dinner! You must eat something. Try one of those cutlet arrangements. (_Aside_.) And I fancied she had good shoulders, once upon a time! What an ass a man can make of himself!
MRS. H. (_Helping herself to a paper frill, seven peas, some stamped carrots and a spoonful of gravy_.) That isn′t an answer. Tell me whether I have done anything.
CAPT. G. (_Aside_.) If it isn′t ended here there will be a ghastly scene somewhere else. If only I′d written to her and stood the racket--at long range! (_To Khitmatgar_.) _Han! Simpkin do._ (_Aloud_.) I′ll tell you later on.
MRS. H. Tell me _now_. It must be some foolish misunderstanding, and you know that there was to be nothing of that sort between us. _We_, of all people in the world, can′t afford it. Is it the Vaynor man, and don′t you like to say so? On my honour--
CAPT. G. I haven′t given the Vaynor man a thought.
MRS. H. But how d′you know that _I_ haven′t?
CAPT. G. (_Aside_.) Here′s my chance and may the Devil help me through with it. (_Aloud and measuredly_.) Believe me, I do not care how often or how tenderly you think of the Vaynor man.
MRS. H. I wonder if you mean that.--Oh, what _is_ the good of squabbling and pretending to misunderstand when you are only up for so short a time? Pip, don′t be a stupid!
_Follows a pause, during which he crosses his left leg over his right and continues his dinner_.
CAPT. G. (_In answer to the thunderstorm in her eyes_.) Corns--my worst.
MRS. H. Upon my word, you are the very rudest man in the world! I′ll _never_ do it again.
CAPT. G. (_Aside_.) No, I don′t think you will; but I wonder what you will do before it′s all over. (_To Khitmatgar_.) _Thorah ur Simpkin do_.
MRS. H. Well! Haven′t you the grace to apologise, bad man?
CAPT. G. (_Aside_.) I mustn′t let it drift back _now_. Trust a woman for being as blind as a bat when she won′t see.
MRS. H. I′m waiting: or would you like me to dictate a form of apology?
CAPT. G. (_Desperately_.) By all means dictate.
MRS. H. (_Lightly_.) Very well. Rehearse your several Christian names after me and go on: ′Profess my sincere repentance.′
CAPT. G. ′Sincere repentance.′
MRS. H. ′For having behaved--′
CAPT. G. (_Aside_.) At last! I wish to Goodness she′d look away. ′For having behaved′--as I have behaved, and declare that I am thoroughly and heartily sick of the whole business, and take this opportunity of making clear my intention of ending it, now, henceforward, and for ever. (_Aside_.) If any one had told me I should be such a blackguard--!
MRS. H. (_Shaking a spoonful of potato chips into her plate_.) That′s not a pretty joke.
CAPT. G. No. It′s a reality. (_Aside_.) I wonder if smashes of this kind are always so raw.
MRS. H. Really, Pip, you′re getting more absurd every day.
CAPT. G. I don′t think you quite understand me. Shall I repeat it?
MRS. H. No! For pity′s sake don′t do that. It′s too terrible, even in fun.
CAPT. G. I′ll let her think it over for a while. But I ought to be horse-whipped.
MRS. H. I want to know what you meant by what you said just now.
CAPT. G. Exactly what I said. No less.
MRS. H. But what have I done to deserve it? What _have_ I done?
CAPT. G. (_Aside_.) If she only wouldn′t look at me. (_Aloud and very slowly, his eyes on his plate_.) D′you remember that evening in July, before the Rains broke, when you said that the end would have to come sooner or later--and you wondered for which of us it would come first?
MRS. H. Yes! I was only joking. And you swore that, as long as there was breath in your body, it should _never_ come. And I believed you.
CAPT. G. (_Fingering menu-card_) Well, it has. That′s all.
_A long pause, during which MRS. H. bows her head and rolls the bread-twist into little pellets:_ G. _stares at the oleanders_.
MRS. H. (_Throwing back her head and laughing naturally_.) They train us women well, don′t they, Pip?
CAPT. G. (_Brutally, touching shirt-stud_.) So far as the expression goes. (_Aside_.) It isn′t in her nature to take things quietly. There′ll be an explosion yet.
MRS. H. (_With a shudder_.) Thank you. B-but even Red Indians allow people to wriggle when they′re being tortured, I believe. (_Slips fan from girdle and fans slowly: rim of fan level with chin_.)
PARTNER ON LEFT. Very close to-night, isn′t it? ′You find it too much for you?
MRS. H. Oh, no, not in the least. But they really ought to have punkahs, even in your cool Naini Tal, oughtn′t they? (_Turns, dropping fan and raising eyebrows_.)
CAPT. G. It′s all right. (_Aside_.) Here comes the storm!
MRS. H. (_Her eyes on the tablecloth: fan ready in right hand_.) It was very cleverly managed, Pip, and I congratulate you. You swore--you never contented yourself with merely saying a thing--you _swore_ that, as far as lay in your power, you′d make my wretched life pleasant for me. And you′ve denied me the consolation of breaking down. I should have done it--indeed I should. A woman would hardly have thought of this refinement, my kind, considerate friend. (_Fan-guard as before_.) You have explained things so tenderly and truthfully, too! You haven′t spoken or written a word of warning, and you have let me believe in you till the last minute. You haven′t condescended to give me your _reason_ yet. No! A woman could not have managed it half so well. Are there many _men_ like you in the world?
CAPT. G. I′m sure I don′t know. (_To Khitmatgar_.) Ohe! _Simpkin do_.
MRS. H. You call yourself a man of the world, don′t you? Do men of the world behave like Devils when they do a woman the honour to get tired of her?
CAPT. G. I′m sure I don′t know. Don′t speak so loud!
MRS. H. Keep us respectable, O Lord, whatever happens! Don′t be afraid of my compromising you. You′ve chosen your ground far too well, and I′ve been properly brought up. (_Lowering fan_.) Haven′t you _any_ pity, Pip, except for yourself?
CAPT. G. Wouldn′t it be rather impertinent of me to say that I′m sorry for you?
MRS. H. I think you have said it once or twice before. You′re growing very careful of my feelings. My God, Pip, I was a good woman once! You _said_ I was. You′ve made me what I am. What are you going to do with me? What are you going to do with me? Won′t you _say_ that you are sorry? (_Helps herself to iced asparagus_.)
CAPT. G. I am sorry for you, if you want the pity of such a brute as I am. I′m _awf′ly_ sorry for you.
MRS. H. Rather tame for a man of the world. Do you think that that admission clears you?
CAPT. G. What can I do? I can only tell you what I think of myself. You can′t think worse than that?
MRS. H. Oh, yes, I can! And now, will you tell me the reason of all this? Remorse? Has Bayard been suddenly conscience-stricken?
CAPT. G. (_Angrily, his eyes still lowered_.) No! The thing has come to an end on my side. That′s all. _Mafisch!_
MRS. H. ′That′s all. _Mafisch!_′ As though I were a Cairene Dragoman. You used to make prettier speeches. D′you remember when you said---?
CAPT. G. For Heaven′s sake don′t bring that back! Call me anything you like and I′ll admit it--
MRS. H. But you don′t care to be reminded of old lies? If I could hope to hurt you one-tenth as much as you have hurt me to-night--No, I wouldn′t--I couldn′t do it--liar though you are.
CAPT. G. I′ve spoken the truth.
MRS. H. My _dear_ Sir, you flatter yourself. You have lied over the reason. Pip, remember that I know you as you don′t know yourself. You have been everything to me, though you are--(_Fan-guard_.) Oh, what a contemptible _Thing_ it is! And so you are merely tired of me?
CAPT. G. Since you insist upon my repeating it--Yes.
MRS. H. Lie the first. I wish I knew a coarser word. Lie seems so ineffectual in your case. The fire has just died out and there is no fresh one? Think for a minute, Pip, if you care whether I despise you more than I do. Simply _Mafisch_, is it?
CAPT. G. Yes. (_Aside_.) I think I deserve this.
MRS. H. Lie number two. Before the next glass chokes you, tell me her name.
CAPT. G. (_Aside_.). I′ll make her pay for dragging Minnie into the business! (_Aloud_.) Is it likely?
MRS. H. _Very_ likely if you thought that it would flatter your vanity. You′d cry my name on the house-tops to make people turn round.
CAPT. G. I wish I had. There would have been an end of this business.
MRS. H. Oh, no, there would not--And so you were going to be virtuous and _blase_, were you? To come to me and say: ′I′ve done with you. The incident is clo-osed.′ I ought to be proud of having kept such a man so long.
CAPT. G. (_Aside_.) It only remains to pray for the end of the dinner. (_Aloud_.) You know what I think of myself.
MRS. H. As it′s the only person in the world you ever _do_ think of, and as I know your mind thoroughly, I do. You want to get it all over and-- Oh, I can′t keep you back! And you′re going--think of it, Pip--to throw me over for another woman. And you swore that all other women were-- Pip, my Pip! She _can′t_ care for you as I do. Believe me, she can′t! Is it any one that I know?
CAPT. G. Thank Goodness it isn′t. (_Aside_.) I expected a cyclone, but not an earthquake.
MRS. H. She _can′t!_ Is there anything that I wouldn′t do for you--or haven′t done? And to think that I should take this trouble over you, knowing what you are! Do you despise me for it?
CAPT. G. (_Wiping his mouth to hide a smile_.) _Again?_ It′s entirely a work of charity on your part.
MRS. H. Ahhh! But I have no right to resent it.--Is she better-looking than I? Who was it said--?
CAPT G. No--not that!
MRS. H. I′ll be more merciful than you were. Don′t you know that all women are alike?
CAPT. G. (_Aside._) Then this is the exception that proves the rule.
MRS. H. _All_ of them! I′ll tell you anything you like. I will, upon my word! They only want the admiration--from anybody--no matter who--anybody! But there is always _one_ man that they care for more than any one else in the world, and would sacrifice all the others to. Oh, _do_ listen! I′ve kept the Vaynor man trotting after me like a poodle, and he believes that he is the only man I am interested in. I′ll tell you what he said to me.
CAPT. G. Spare him. (_Aside._) I wonder what _his_ version is.
MRS. H. He′s been waiting for me to look at him all through dinner. Shall I do it, and you can see what an idiot he looks?
CAPT. G. ′But what imports the nomination of this gentleman?′
MRS. H. Watch! (_Sends a glance to the Vaynor man, who tries vainly to combine a mouthful of ice pudding, a smirk of self-satisfaction, a glare of intense devotion, and the stolidity of a British dining countenance._)
CAPT. G. (_Critically._) He doesn′t look pretty. Why didn′t you wait till the spoon was out of his mouth?
MRS. H. To amuse you. She′ll make an exhibition of you as I′ve made of him; and people will laugh at you. Oh, Pip, can′t you see that? It′s as plain as the noonday sun. You′ll be trotted about and told lies, and made a fool of like the others. _I_ never made a fool of you, did I?
CAPT. G. (_Aside._) What a clever little woman it is!
MRS. H. Well, what have you to say?
CAPT. G. I feel better.
MRS. H. Yes, I suppose so, after I have come down to your level. I couldn′t have done it if I hadn′t cared for you so much. I have spoken the truth.
CAPT. G. It doesn′t alter the situation.
MRS. H. (_Passionately._) Then she _has_ said that she cares for you! Don′t believe her, Pip. It′s a lie--as bad as yours to me!
CAPT. G. Ssssteady! I′ve a notion that a friend of yours is looking at you.
MRS. H. He! I _hate_ him. He introduced you to me.
CAPT. G. (_Aside._) And some people would like women to assist in making the laws. Introduction to imply condonement. (_Aloud._) Well, you see, if you can remember so far back as that, I couldn′t, in common politeness, refuse the offer.
MRS. H. In common politeness! We have got beyond _that!_
CAPT. G. (_Aside._) Old ground means fresh trouble, (_Aloud._) On my honour--
MRS. H. Your _what?_ Ha, ha!
CAPT. G. Dishonour, then. She′s not what you imagine. I meant to--
MRS. H. Don′t tell me anything about her! She _won′t_ care for you, and when you come back, after having made an exhibition of yourself, you′ll fine me occupied with--
CAPT. G. (_Insolently._) You couldn′t while I am alive. (_Aside._) If that doesn′t bring her pride to her rescue, nothing will.
MRS. H. (_Drawing herself up_). Couldn′t do it? _I?_ (_Softening._) You′re right. I don′t believe I could--though you are what you are--a coward and a liar in grain.
CAPT. G. It doesn′t hurt so much after your little lecture--with demonstrations.
MRS. H. One mass of vanity! Will nothing _ever_ touch you in this life? There must be a Hereafter if it′s only for the benefit of---But you will have it all to yourself.
CAPT. G. (_Under his eyebrows._) Are you so certain of that?
MRS. H. I shall have had mine in this life; and it will serve me right.
CAPT. G. But the admiration that you insisted on so strongly a moment ago? (_Aside._) Oh, I _am_ a brute!
MRS. H. (_Fiercely._) Will _that_ console me for knowing that you will go to her with the same words, the same arguments, and the--the same pet names you used to me? And if she cares for you, you two will laugh over my story. Won′t that be punishment heavy enough even for me-- even for me?--And it′s all useless. That′s another punishment.
CAPT. G. (_Feebly._) Oh, come! I′m not so low as you think.
MRS. H. Not now, perhaps, but you will be. Oh, Pip, if a woman flatters your vanity, there′s nothing on earth that you would not tell her; and no meanness that you would not do. Have I known you so long without knowing that?
CAPT. G. If you can trust me in nothing else--and I don′t see why I should be trusted--you can count upon my holding my tongue.
MRS. H. If you denied everything you′ve said this evening and declared it was all in fun (_a long pause_), I′d trust you. Not otherwise. All I ask is, don′t tell her my name. _Please_ don′t. A man might forget: a woman never would. (_Looks up table and sees hostess beginning to collect eyes._) So it′s all ended, through no fault of mine-- Haven′t I behaved beautifully? I′ve accepted your dismissal, and you managed it as cruelly as you could, and I have made you respect my sex, haven′t I? (_Arranging gloves and fan._) I only pray that she′ll know you some day as I know you now. I wouldn′t be you then, for I think even your conceit will be hurt. I hope she′ll pay you back the humiliation you′ve brought on me. I hope-- No. I don′t. I _can′t_ give you up! I must have something to look forward to or I shall go crazy. When it′s all over, come back to me, come back to me, and you′ll find that you′re my Pip still!
CAPT. G. (_Very clearly._) ′False move, and you pay for it. It′s a girl!
MRS. H. (_Rising._) Then it _was_ true! They said--but I wouldn′t insult you by asking. A girl! _I_ was a girl not very long ago. Be good to her, Pip. I daresay she believes in you.
_Goes out with an uncertain smile. He watches her through the door, and settles into a chair as the men redistribute themselves._
CAPT. G. Now, if there is any Power who looks after this world, will He kindly tell me what I have done? (_Reaching out for the claret, and half aloud._) What _have_ I done?